I’m going to be honest here. I wasn’t planning to publish this piece so soon but what I’m about to say is something that deeply touched my heart and kind of altered my brain chemistry towards a particular kind of mentality in an instant. The kind of mentality that I was striving to repeatedly achieve for a very long time. And when my thoughts get loud, I write them down. So, here it goes.

A few days ago, I had a very unexpected yet deep late-night conversation with a friend (you know who you are) who had been in the kind of situation in life that I am in right now. I won’t tell you what that situation is just yet, but I do want to pass along the advice that I think could be applicable to most situations. It helped me tremendously. And I’m hoping it can help you readers too. Or at least give your mind some solace about whatever it is that you’re going through. As my friend once said – “Talk about it if it keeps you here.”

I like to think I’m like Kat Stratford (if you don’t get this reference, it’s on you). I like to think I’m like her because of how unapologetically herself she is and how much she enjoys her own company. For many years I made people believe that’s the kind of person I am. That I enjoy my own company so much that I don’t really need anyone else at all. Initially, that was the case. But then I met some really interesting people who I love and who are some of my closest friends now and I’m just not the same person anymore. They contribute significantly to my happiness. And I don’t know how I feel about that.

I have realised that relationships (of any kind) hold you back in some sense. And that might not necessarily be a bad thing depending on who it is. Not everyone can have the privilege of being in your inner circle that you would do anything for. You can’t be okay with your relationship with everyone to hold you back in life. You need to choose. It’s important to structure your friendships in a way where you can talk to each other about what you’re going through. Make it a criteria to have for your inner circle. Maintain all your friendships if you can. But reserve the raw energy, love and care you have for people who you matter to. No matter how many people you hang out with or go out for drinks with, you will eventually realise that there are very few people that you would be able to call in the middle of the night when the world comes crashing down on you. Those are the kind of people you would hold yourself back for. But ironically, those are the kind of people who would never really hold you back.

The goal for you at some point in life (although the earlier the better) should be to make conscious decisions that allow yourself to be more comfortable and happy with your own company so much that you have the power and ability to restrict who has access to that company. To the point where anything that doesn’t align with your values will be cut off by you because you don’t want your inner peace to be disturbed. The journey will feel sucky and hard, but it will give you peace in the long run. If it was not hard, everyone would be able to do it.

I like to distract myself when I can’t sit alone with my own thoughts. I have tried various things – academics, alcohol, sleep, food – you name it. But it eventually blows up and we all know that. The painful, gut-wrenching process of sitting down and having a difficult conversation with yourself and enduring the sound of your thoughts is almost impossible, but it’s the way to go. The only way that is sustainable. If you can’t be at peace with your thoughts, you will never be at peace with yourself or others. No matter what you do in life, that peace won’t come to you. And you might not want to hear this right now because the actual task of performing that deed is daunting and long, but you need to hear it because you need to start somewhere. It’s never too late. Maybe one day, it won’t feel like anything because time really does heal everything. Maybe one day, you’d be surprised why you were losing your mind over a certain situation (I am certainly waiting for that day to come).

Things that go on in your head hurt more than reality in a way situationships hurt more than relationships. That’s because you only see and know the potential. You never really find out the reality of it. You might want to understand why certain situations make you feel a certain way and that might get sucky sometimes, but you should never blame yourself for it. It’s your first time living too. Let all the kinds of thoughts come to you. Don’t hold back. But focus on what those thoughts bring to the table. If it does not improve your life, it’s not worth losing your mind over. Remind yourself that every single time the loudness and persistence of your thoughts haunt your peace. Make it a habit. A practice. Eventually, it won’t feel like a conscious decision anymore. It’s hard but as I said before, if it were not hard, everyone would be able to do it, and the world would be a very different place right now.

I would like to end this piece on a personal note. I don’t like where I am in life right now. But I’m coming to realise that that’s okay (it is a painful realisation that took me months or even years to accept). I’m making a conscious effort to appreciate the things I’ve achieved in life by looking at them as accomplishments and not something that I was always supposed to do. I’m trying. Maybe not my best, but I’m trying. That’s the first step for everything.